I Did It

I made it through Halloween. Though I have to admit that when I first saw the little goblins and ghouls coming down the street in their costumes, all excited for trick or treating, I nearly cried. This was one of Frank’s favorite holidays for that very reason, the kids. He would tease them and say “What’s the magic words?”, which of course are “Trick or Treat.” But many times the kids would just stare at him because they don’t expect an adult to be goofy but then they’d get it and say the right thing. He loved talking to the parents about the costumes and he would always give out too much to each kid…but that didn’t matter because if we were running low on candy he would just take a quick trip to the store to replenish the candy bowl.

I did carve three pumpkins but didn’t roast the seeds – I forgot to keep them. I’ve never really been a fan of them but I did that in past years out of habit for others to eat. The only decorations I put up were a few window clings of ghosts and skeletons and witches. No lights, no cobwebs, but I was okay with that.

I think I’ve figured out the holidays coming up – as I’ve mentioned before I am not looking forward to them. But I think if I’m with the right people they will be ok.

For Thanksgiving my brother and I are going to find somewhere to volunteer for the afternoon. Growing up we were poor and received a lot of help from places like the Salvation Army. And while I’ve always been active with volunteerism I think at the holidays it’s even more crucial. It’s a hard economy and people need help – so we’re going to pay it forward.

Then for Christmas I’ll be spending it with my best friend who lost her younger son this past summer and her family. We need each other in ways I have difficulty expressing. She isn’t anymore excited about Christmas than I am but we’ll muddle through.

As for decorations I’m going to do something completely different. I’ll buy a small artificial tree and I’m going to decorate it in purple and silver. Or maybe teal and silver. Some kind of non-traditional colors because Frank and I always did the traditional route – red, green, gold. I need to change it up and I know Christmas is going to be the hardest holiday of all. So whatever will help me still enjoy the meaning of it all and feel good is what will happen.

It will be hard, but I  can do it. I know I can. I figure Halloween was ‘baby steps’ for starting down that path to making it through the holidays. Actually, I don’t want to just ‘get through’ the holidays – I want to enjoy them for what they are and I’ll have to learn to enjoy them in other ways now. That’s an acceptance that hard to acknowledge but I know I’ll grow from the experience. I’ve been growing all along this whole journey that’s just over two years old. I may not have liked that I’ve had to do that but it’s either that or curl up and die.  I know I have a lot to live for and there are people that I love and appreciate so very much – and you know what? Many of them are hurting too, those who knew Frank and those who knew him vicariously through me.

Perhaps together we can move forward and experience a new kind of holiday season. I’m up for it, are you?

Holidays – Uggh

I was doing pretty well this summer healing from the loss of Frank, then fall appeared along with the realization that all of the holidays are coming up. We loved the holidays, Frank and I – starting with Halloween. We would decorate the wrought iron railings on the front steps with orange lights and some green little Frankenstein lights. We’d put orange light bulbs in the outside lights and we’d always have carved pumpkins complete with candles on the front steps. I’d also decorate the windows with those plastic window clings – pumpkins, witches, ghosts and put fake cobwebs on the bushes. And now? I can’t bring myself to do it. Though I did buy three pumpkins and I suppose I’ll carve them this coming weekend but my heart just isn’t in it.

Then Thanksgiving will follow Halloween and though my cousin has invited me out to her place, and I’ll go, but it’s going to be so odd without Frank. Traditions that were once a part of my life with Frank are now gone. Poof. Just like that.

Yesterday afternoon I spent three hours in bed with the phone off the hook and my cell phone off – maybe it was a pity party – crying my eyes out thinking about the various holidays, especially Christmas and what that will be like this year. My initial, irrational thought was that I would skip all of the holidays altogether, just hide out here in my little house and be a hermit. Then when January hits I’ll come back out, ready to be me again. Or whoever the me is that I am now.

One of the problems with Christmas is that I already know I don’t really want to have a tree because I can’t use OUR ornaments. There is no more Frank and Patty, no more US. All of the decorations and ornaments are OURS. And Christmas was HUGE for us. While lying there on the bed yesterday I envisioned opening the door to the little closet downstairs that houses all of the Christmas stuff and I nearly went into panic mode. My breathing literally sped up and as I was crying at the same time I found myself almost unable to take a breath. To bring out the containers that house a collection of ornaments that we bought each other over the last 14 years – no way in hell. In fact, of all the ornaments and Christmas decorations that are down there, 90% – if not more than that – were bought during the time we knew each other.

I find no comfort or joy in going to chop down a tree – which we always did the Friday after Thanksgiving, and I feel nauseous at the mere thought of decorating one. How can I put up ornaments that say things like “Our First Christmas 1995” or the ones we bought on our vacations that held special meaning for us? Or the ones we bought each other every year? That was a tradition we started the first year and it helped us build a wonderful assortment of ornaments and fabulous memories. It started out that we’d buy each other one ornament each year but after the first year or two it was always multiples.

Before this year for 14 years of holidays it was all about ‘us’, Frank and Patty. Now I have to learn how to accept that it’s only me this year. I really don’t want to put the Christmas lights on the house or the garage or the Merry Christmas sign that lights up on the picture window or the holiday lights on the bushes. I am trying to convince myself that it would be okay to buy a little artificial tree and a few new ornaments that are just mine and mine alone. Nothing big, nothing extravagant, but something that would help me ease into the holidays easier with less emotional impact.

I want and need to have a new ‘first’ with the holidays, but additionally and perhaps more importantly I have find a way to give myself permission to do that because right now I feel like it would be wrong to do so.

Uggh.