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I Did It

I made it through Halloween. Though I have to admit that when I first saw the little goblins and ghouls coming down the street in their costumes, all excited for trick or treating, I nearly cried. This was one of Frank’s favorite holidays for that very reason, the kids. He would tease them and say “What’s the magic words?”, which of course are “Trick or Treat.” But many times the kids would just stare at him because they don’t expect an adult to be goofy but then they’d get it and say the right thing. He loved talking to the parents about the costumes and he would always give out too much to each kid…but that didn’t matter because if we were running low on candy he would just take a quick trip to the store to replenish the candy bowl.

I did carve three pumpkins but didn’t roast the seeds – I forgot to keep them. I’ve never really been a fan of them but I did that in past years out of habit for others to eat. The only decorations I put up were a few window clings of ghosts and skeletons and witches. No lights, no cobwebs, but I was okay with that.

I think I’ve figured out the holidays coming up – as I’ve mentioned before I am not looking forward to them. But I think if I’m with the right people they will be ok.

For Thanksgiving my brother and I are going to find somewhere to volunteer for the afternoon. Growing up we were poor and received a lot of help from places like the Salvation Army. And while I’ve always been active with volunteerism I think at the holidays it’s even more crucial. It’s a hard economy and people need help – so we’re going to pay it forward.

Then for Christmas I’ll be spending it with my best friend who lost her younger son this past summer and her family. We need each other in ways I have difficulty expressing. She isn’t anymore excited about Christmas than I am but we’ll muddle through.

As for decorations I’m going to do something completely different. I’ll buy a small artificial tree and I’m going to decorate it in purple and silver. Or maybe teal and silver. Some kind of non-traditional colors because Frank and I always did the traditional route – red, green, gold. I need to change it up and I know Christmas is going to be the hardest holiday of all. So whatever will help me still enjoy the meaning of it all and feel good is what will happen.

It will be hard, but I  can do it. I know I can. I figure Halloween was ‘baby steps’ for starting down that path to making it through the holidays. Actually, I don’t want to just ‘get through’ the holidays – I want to enjoy them for what they are and I’ll have to learn to enjoy them in other ways now. That’s an acceptance that hard to acknowledge but I know I’ll grow from the experience. I’ve been growing all along this whole journey that’s just over two years old. I may not have liked that I’ve had to do that but it’s either that or curl up and die.  I know I have a lot to live for and there are people that I love and appreciate so very much – and you know what? Many of them are hurting too, those who knew Frank and those who knew him vicariously through me.

Perhaps together we can move forward and experience a new kind of holiday season. I’m up for it, are you?

neworn

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