With This Ring…

I don’t know when not wearing my wedding ring felt ok. Not totally, 100% comfortable, but 99%, which = ok. Without that feeling that I was physically missing something or feeling naked without. For example, if you wear a watch regularly and then one day you don’t, you are very aware of it missing from your wrist. I don’t have that feeling now without my ring, any ring. I stopped wearing my wedding rings April 18th, after the first celebration party and switched to a remembrance ring that day, I stopped wearing that ring regularly a couple of weeks ago. I’m not sure what to think. Though I think it’s a step forward.

When I was up north with my cousin visiting her brother earlier this month, I met someone. Well, not really. We were at an outdoor concert where Elvis (yes, that guy) was performing. It’s his summer gig every Saturday night. My cousin and I were heading to the bar from the dock area to go to the bathroom and two men stopped us. We chatted and flirted a while and then we lost each other in the crowd. Those two guys and us, that is. Never got their names, only knew what city one of them lived in.

But the point of what happened for me is that I felt like I could do the dating thing again. Or at least meet someone for coffee and see what happens. Dating scares the crap out of me on one hand, but it feels reassuring to me that I actually want to, and that it sits comfortably within me when I envision doing so.

Back in the April/May time-frame I thought I was attracted to someone, but realized after a lot of soul searching two things. One, I was really looking to fill the void that Frank’s death left with anybody. Two, I was attracted to this person’s ability to make me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, but I realized I was not attracted to him physically. I’m very glad I didn’t say anything to him about my feelings, I’m not sure how the situation would have panned out. Better to not say anything and see what happens on its own is the advice I was given. That advice was heeded and it was the right advice.

Each day I feel a little more excited about life and less occupied with heavy thoughts of missing Frank, though I do still miss him. How could I not? Whoever I end up dating and being with will need to accept that Frank was a big part of my life, and he always will be permanent in my heart. But there’s room for someone new, too. They can share the space, I have a big heart.

I’m back in school taking two courses. I’m bored senseless right now in the Excel class because my skills are much more advanced than the other students. Many of them have never even opened an Excel workbook so I do my homework for that class during it. Now, we’ve only had two sessions so far, but I’m sincerely hoping that down the road it will become more challenging for me. Fortunately, the instructor knows my level of expertise and though I contribute in class, I try to let others answer his questions. Until I can’t stand it anymore and give him the answer he’s looking for.

The other class is College English. I think this is going to be an eye-opener for me. I’ve been told I have a unique writing style and I’m looking forward to seeing what this instructor thinks. He’s a published writer and knows of what he speaks. The class is being held in a workshop format which initially I thought I was petrified about. But after our first class last week I realized this will be a good challenge for me since I don’t like speaking in front of others (hard to believe, I know), and though I’m good with constructive criticism in the work-place, I’ve never received it based on my personal writings from a professional. It will be either a strike against my ego or a grand boost.

I’m sitting at my kitchen window watching the sky turn colors of peach, purple and gray. There are storms coming and the clouds are diffusing the sunset. If the trees weren’t in the way it would be a lovely picture. Instead, I’m going to leave you with a picture of me and Elvis. Oh, he’s taken, I can’t date him. But he was fun to hug anyway.