A few days ago, after Mike came home from the hospital from being admitted for 2 1/2 days for hypercalcemia (a recurring issue due to the bone mets that have begun destroying his bones), anemia (a new, soon-to-be recurring issue) and a still undefined infection, I realized that the worst thing I thought I would have to do as his caregiver, not to mention his wife, had happened. I had to clean him up after he experienced diarrhea overnight. He was embarrassed at first and then said, aw fuck it, it is what it is, hunny bunny. The antibiotic they have him on is so strong – he didn’t even know he had done it.
The one saving grace, if you will, is the fact that before leaving the hospital the night before, the nurse had put a pair of Depends on him. For those unfamiliar with what those are, they’re basically diapers for adults. Simple as that. He wasn’t pleased having to wear them but it sure beats the alternative.
I put on gloves and cleaned him up, then helped put regular underwear on him (as I didn’t have any Depends on hand for him) and new sweatpants. I threw the sweatpants away rather than wash them – they’re pretty disposable considering I only paid $4.66 for them, besides, he said he’d prefer not to have them either, even after being washed. Fortunately, I had the foresight while he was in the hospital for his surgery last month (full knee replacement surgery / femur prosthesis to replace the destroyed femur from the bone mets), to purchase a total of 8 pair for him. Because he’s recovering from the surgery, regular pants are out and the sweats are easy on, easy off.
On Thanksgiving I realized that I had to get more of those Depends but as it was a holiday I didn’t think any place would be open. I called around and did find one place that was open and carried them. I picked up a package of those, some non-latex gloves, and some baby wipes to help with clean up.
Mike is convalescing on the couch in the living room, which bothers me because I wish he were in a bed. But he’s convinced me that it’s easier to pee in the middle of the night into a urinal jug from the couch level, then from our bed level which is very high. His legs would dangle and that’s simply too risky and would clearly offer an opportunity to fall. That means the pee jugs, as we call them, have to be emptied regularly. I’ve come to hate the smell of pee. Though one other good thing has come about with wearing the Depends, he doesn’t get his sweats wet with pee in the middle of the night. See, he realizes almost too late that he even has to pee so sometimes he was getting it on them and therefore was skipping underwear – one less layer to move out of the way. But with the Depends he said it’s working much better.
I slept pretty well last night until I had a dream about how Mike used to look. He’s 6 ft, 187 pounds right now. Sounds about the right weight for his height, right? Well, for him, no. His shoulder blades are bony now, his chest is not as strong, his face is gaunt, his arms are thin with no muscle, the back of his legs near his butt are all wrinkled, his legs are skinny – I used to love his legs. I hate how he’s changed physically. I hate that for him and I hate that for me. It’s so wrong. I also hated that in my dream when I saw how he used to look – about 30 to 40 pounds heavier, Buddha belly and all – I tried to wake up, somehow I knew I was in a dream. I couldn’t. But in my dream I looked away from how he used to look. Because it hurt to see how much he’s changed in such a short amount of time.
So will I remember him the way he used to be after he’s gone? If it hurts to remember now, when he’s alive, how will it be when he isn’t?
I’m posting a picture of him as he was in summer of 2008, only a few short months before they discovered the cancer had returned. It makes me ache to see this, I want him like this again, dammit.
