January 20 – January 25

Mike has a cold so it’s been a tough few days for him. I originally was going to make him go to the emergency room but until today (and I’m not 100% sure of today, either) he couldn’t have made it there on his own, even with his walker. His breathing was labored with the slightest exertion, he just wanted to sleep.

Sleep is fine if that’s what will help. But I decided to give him his pain pills (only one in the a.m. and one in the p.m. so as not to hurt his stomach) based on advice from a nurse. He’s at least drinking water when I bring it in to him, not a lot, but some. Today is an improvement regardless, so I’m crossing my fingers it will continue.

Mike has a weekend outing planned for the weekend of Feb 5th to celebrate his birthday (which is Jan 31st). I keep telling him that’s what he needs to focus on, get better so he can head up north with the guys. He’s gone to a lot of effort to prepare for this, bought a few new clothes, booked the rooms, dictated a list of things he wants to bring with him, etc. Oh, did I mention? It’s with the guys. Not me. Can you see me doing a little happy dance? Not because I want time for me, but because I want him to have a good time away for a couple of days. Who knows how many more birthdays he’ll even have?? I’m crossing everything possible that it works out for him.

As for me, my D&C is scheduled for tomorrow (to obtain a better sample for testing for cancer cells prior to possibly scheduling a hysterectomy). It was to be at noon but now it’s been moved to 6am. Eeek. Good thing I have BW to take me there and bring me home afterwards, my buses don’t even run that early. So he will be here at 5:30am. One good thing though, I’ll be back home earlier in the day than originally planned which is good. I’m still concerned about Mike since I can’t be here during the morning, but at least I know that part of the day he’s usually sleeping so he should be just fine.

I’ve got to admit, the pill they gave me to prepare for tomorrow doesn’t make me feel that great. It’s intended to dilate the cervix to make the procedure go easier. Feels sort of like really dull cramps, but deeper and lower in my pelvic area.  The pill had to be inserted vaginally, I suppose to get into the bloodstream and the proper location faster. Perhaps that’s why I feel it already and it’s only been 2 1/2 hours since I inserted it.

I’m going to go lay down on the couch and read, maybe gaze out at the snow falling and perhaps nap a bit.

 

January 5 – January 19

Ever feel like you’re becoming numb with your feelings? I feel that way sometimes with Mike. I’ve learned to sometimes respond to his moods of being angry or moody with simple nods of my head and a few “uh huh’s” and “sure, dear’s” tossed in, rather than argue or even offer an intelligent response. That would seem easy, yes? Well, unfortunately the answer is no -it’s so hard I can’t even describe it.

There are times when Mike barks his response at me about simple things such as my asking how he’s feeling in the morning (“how the hell am I supposed to know, I just woke up”), or would you like a beverage and if so, coffee, tea?, (“I don’t know, pick one, whatever, I don’t know, I don’t care”).

If I don’t ask the questions though, then I run the risk of listening to him make heavy sighs about how he’d really like some coffee but oh, this hurts or that hurts so I can’t do it…follow? Reminds me of that phrase, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

We have had some really, good, ‘normal’ days. Those are amazingly precious and I try to remind myself of those days when he’s having a crappy one. But it’s so freakin’ hard. I compartmentalize my feelings as much as possible but I can only tamp them down so much before I start feeling really fragile. I used to cry more, in the beginning. But now only once in a while. A great while. But now with my health issues it’s getting harder to rein in my reactions about everything.

Speaking of which. The doctor performed an endometrial biopsy to test for cancer cells, it’s his way of crossing his i’s and dotting his t’s before performing whichever option I choose to deal with my uterine fibroids/frequent periods. So far unless he can convince me otherwise, I’m choosing a hysterectomy – as noted in the earlier post I’m okay with letting my uterus go.

When I talked to the doctor last week he told me that he had gotten enough of a sample from the cervix during that procedure to determine 100% there aren’t any cancerous cells there, but he didn’t get enough of the cells in the uterus to be that confident. Because I was in such discomfort when he did that in the office, he doesn’t want to try that again. Instead he wants to do a D&C next Tuesday, the 26th. If all goes well with those biopsy results, then he’ll schedule the hysterectomy in February. At least that’s the plan as of now.

So now I’m working to get as far ahead in my classes as possible so that I’m able to recover without that added stress. I’ll already have the stress of taking care of Mike and I just can’t have both. At least not 100% of both.

Thankfully, BW has been there for me. Probably more than he should be – he has a situation of his own that he’s working through. But I feel that’s why we’ve bonded, we understand each other because we’ve been in each other’s shoes, it’s not just ‘talk’ with us, we really do get what the other is going through. We can bitch and moan about it all and it’s OK, we don’t get scared off from the conversations, it helps us both. So thank you BW, you are my best boy bud. I could not have gotten through this past year without you, hugs and love to you.

 

December 23 – January 4

I absolutely have to get back to putting entries out here more often. It’s been a bit of a rough ride the last two weeks or so. For both of us.

Over the last month or so I had a few doctor appointments to try to find out why my periods have been getting closer and closer together (rather than 29 days apart) since the summer time, to the point where they are about 15 days apart and very painful – not just cramps, I’ve also been experiencing continuous back pain and leg pains. Two, full-blown, 4-5 day periods, heavy cramps, leg pains, back pain, the whole usual thing, yet amplified to a more painful degree.

The doctor had ruled out early menopause after testing my LH and FSH levels (they were normal). So he ordered a full pelvic sonogram (the transvaginal part of the exam was, well, let’s just say ‘interesting’!). Based on those results it was determined I have uterine fibroids, nothing cancerous – thank God – but disturbing none the less. I’ve been doing research and from what I’ve gathered so far is that a possible reason the periods are starting so close together, is that the fibroids are either growing in number, or the existing ones are getting larger. Whatever the case, I’ll find out what we’ll do about it all on Wednesday when I meet with the gynecologist.

I did research around treatment, too. There’s a procedure called a myomectomy – this removes the existing fibroids but doesn’t guarantee they won’t come back. In fact, they usually do and you must have the procedure done again.

There was another treatment but I don’t recall what exactly it was called (I believe the word embolization was a part of the description), but it’s similar to the myomectomy in that it removes the fibroids but in a different way. However, like the myomectomy, it”s not a permanent solution.

Another treatment is a hysterectomy. I’m well aware that means major surgery but it’s a permanent solution, and so long as they don’t take out the ovaries, my understanding is that early menopause would not be triggered.

Here’s the thing. I’m not terribly attached to my uterus – for lack of a better phrase. I’m almost 47 years old, I have no intention of getting pregnant nor have I ever wanted to be. So if the recommended treatment is to have a hysterectomy, then that’s what I’ll do.

As for Mike lately? In a nutshell, it’s been what he calls peaks and valleys. His peaks, as he calls them, are moods that are like a normal person’s mood. His valleys are even lower than our moods of sadness or depression.

For example, last week out of nowhere he decided he wasn’t taking anymore pills, not talking to me, not eating, not drinking, just going to sleep and leave him the hell alone. For about 30 hours this went on. Sounds like no big deal? Oh, so wrong. That was the longest, most stressful 30 hours to date I’ve had to experience ever.

He even told me to get him a gun. I had gone into the bedroom to give him another round of pills and asked what I could get for him. Get me a fucking gun, I’m done. I hate this. Fuck it, screw you all.

Obviously, I didn’t give him a gun. He’s still here.

The next day when he finally started to come out of this ‘valley’, he told me that he was in a bad way, that he didn’t appreciate me, he’s a piece of shit, yet he also said he clearly knew that was wrong. He does appreciate me, he knows he’s not a piece of shit but he’s just so sick of it all. And that he knew he needed to find a way out of the valley.

We talked it out in-depth that night and since then he’s been not quite to a peak but still in a much better mood. He’s actually sitting in front of the kitchen window at the little table right now. Enjoying the sunset, drinking coffee, listening to music.

Cancer AA – One day at a time.