December 23 – January 4

I absolutely have to get back to putting entries out here more often. It’s been a bit of a rough ride the last two weeks or so. For both of us.

Over the last month or so I had a few doctor appointments to try to find out why my periods have been getting closer and closer together (rather than 29 days apart) since the summer time, to the point where they are about 15 days apart and very painful – not just cramps, I’ve also been experiencing continuous back pain and leg pains. Two, full-blown, 4-5 day periods, heavy cramps, leg pains, back pain, the whole usual thing, yet amplified to a more painful degree.

The doctor had ruled out early menopause after testing my LH and FSH levels (they were normal). So he ordered a full pelvic sonogram (the transvaginal part of the exam was, well, let’s just say ‘interesting’!). Based on those results it was determined I have uterine fibroids, nothing cancerous – thank God – but disturbing none the less. I’ve been doing research and from what I’ve gathered so far is that a possible reason the periods are starting so close together, is that the fibroids are either growing in number, or the existing ones are getting larger. Whatever the case, I’ll find out what we’ll do about it all on Wednesday when I meet with the gynecologist.

I did research around treatment, too. There’s a procedure called a myomectomy – this removes the existing fibroids but doesn’t guarantee they won’t come back. In fact, they usually do and you must have the procedure done again.

There was another treatment but I don’t recall what exactly it was called (I believe the word embolization was a part of the description), but it’s similar to the myomectomy in that it removes the fibroids but in a different way. However, like the myomectomy, it”s not a permanent solution.

Another treatment is a hysterectomy. I’m well aware that means major surgery but it’s a permanent solution, and so long as they don’t take out the ovaries, my understanding is that early menopause would not be triggered.

Here’s the thing. I’m not terribly attached to my uterus – for lack of a better phrase. I’m almost 47 years old, I have no intention of getting pregnant nor have I ever wanted to be. So if the recommended treatment is to have a hysterectomy, then that’s what I’ll do.

As for Mike lately? In a nutshell, it’s been what he calls peaks and valleys. His peaks, as he calls them, are moods that are like a normal person’s mood. His valleys are even lower than our moods of sadness or depression.

For example, last week out of nowhere he decided he wasn’t taking anymore pills, not talking to me, not eating, not drinking, just going to sleep and leave him the hell alone. For about 30 hours this went on. Sounds like no big deal? Oh, so wrong. That was the longest, most stressful 30 hours to date I’ve had to experience ever.

He even told me to get him a gun. I had gone into the bedroom to give him another round of pills and asked what I could get for him. Get me a fucking gun, I’m done. I hate this. Fuck it, screw you all.

Obviously, I didn’t give him a gun. He’s still here.

The next day when he finally started to come out of this ‘valley’, he told me that he was in a bad way, that he didn’t appreciate me, he’s a piece of shit, yet he also said he clearly knew that was wrong. He does appreciate me, he knows he’s not a piece of shit but he’s just so sick of it all. And that he knew he needed to find a way out of the valley.

We talked it out in-depth that night and since then he’s been not quite to a peak but still in a much better mood. He’s actually sitting in front of the kitchen window at the little table right now. Enjoying the sunset, drinking coffee, listening to music.

Cancer AA – One day at a time.

 

December 16, 2009

On Monday of this week, Mike had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon who performed his surgery. Just wanted to see how the scar was healing,  I suppose. Our neighbor brought Mike to the doctor because I had school. Should have been a quick visit as the staples are already out. It wasn’t.

They waited a solid hour before even seeing the doctor, then it was in and out in 5 minutes. Mike let them know how he felt about that, glad I wasn’t on the receiving end of that discussion. If he’d known he’d be sitting there so long he would have brought another pain pill and a water. Plus the fact that the waiting room was packed before and after Mike got in – he told me he was thinking to himself: “Why the hell do you over-book, why do you need to have 25 people in your waiting room at the same time, all scheduled to see just you? Oh yeah, money. All of these 5 minute visits are paying for your yacht.”

If the guy wasn’t the expert at this particular surgery that Mike had, we never would have chosen him based on his personality. He’s arrogant, must always have the last word, never lets you talk and if you do, he ignores what you say anyway, while looking stunned that you actually spoke.

I was initially surprised Mike didn’t just say to the doctor, “Hey, shut the f**k up and let me talk!”

But I thought about it and came to the conclusion that Mike is simply a better person, he can be a bit crabby once in a while and perhaps impatient, but at least he isn’t a pompous ass.

 

December 12, 2009

I think I’ve figured out another culprit related to Mike’s being so tired lately. He was cutting his Afinitor in half when he was taking it, but the instructions indicate you shouldn’t crush them and should take them whole. I think – and I have no proof, of course – that the Afinitor was getting into his bloodstream too fast by cutting them, thus making him much more tired than usual. Since one of the main side effects of Afinitor is being tired, well, ti seems logical to me that it could be a culprit.

I asked him two nights ago how many days he’d been cutting the Afinitor in half – he said about 3 or 4. I then commented how interesting that his being so tired seemed to coincide with the same time frame. He didn’t like that, he got pissy and started on his “I hate all these fucking pills, I’m sick of it all, I’ll do what I want with them!” tirade. “Whatever,” I told him, “you’re taking them whole from now on, let’s just see what will happen.”

His tiredness actually decreased. Granted, this could also be the result of taking the pain meds every 4-5 hours apart rather than 3, but I’m not sold on that completely yet. Back this summer he took a lot of pain meds and was awake much more, so that’s why I’m hesitant to think the change is completely the change in the pain med schedule – either way we both win – if he takes less pain meds, maybe that will decrease the constipation and I won’t have to listen to him bitch.

The proof was evident to me today. Though it took him until almost noon to come out to the living room, he was awake since about 10am, even on the phone before noon couple of times, never took a nap during the day, and just went to bed a few minutes ago (it’s after 10pm). He’s still whiney sometimes, but I would be too having to take so many different pills all the time. I have split the pill distribution throughout the day so that helps, but still, every 4 hours or so it’s another round of pills and he has to take them with a protein shake/drink because with water, they just get stuck in his throat.

The good thing about the protein shakes/drinks? Since he’s still not terribly interested in actual food, and he has to drink those to take the pills, I’m thrilled to give them to him as they are calories! With vitamins and nutrients! He’s probably drinking 2 to 2 1/2 of those a day and their 250 – 300 calories each. That’s one observation I definitely won’t point out to him. Would you?

 

December 10, 2009

Today was a pretty good day once I had it out with Mike. Not an awful fight or anything, just an oft-repeated conversation that I’d decided I was done having.

In a nutshell, I told Mike that if he’s so concerned about why he’s so damn tired all the time he can do one of two things. One – cut back on the oxy’s because I think that’s the culprit, or two – call the oncologist, talk to his nurse and ask her for the lab results and her opinion. He did both while I was at school.

The nurse said his blood results from his appointment back on the 1st are all in the normal range, so he’s likely reacting to all the narcotics he’s taking because he’s not EATING and should consider cutting back on them soon, if at all possible.

Huh. Can you believe I had that figured out? Simple logic in my opinion since he wasn’t experiencing any of the usual hypercalcemia symptoms, only being tired and not hungry. Yes, I’m patting myself on my back while at the same time hoping I don’t break my arm doing so.

That said, starting tomorrow morning he’s going to begin taking a reduced dosage of pain meds, nothing drastic, and increasing the amount of time between dosages. As it is, it takes FOREVER to wake him up for anything with the level he’s on. Not to mention the fact that he’s taking the same dosages now as he was before the surgery…time to start weaning off of them. As the nurse pointed out, this will not only help up his energy level but should help his appetite because: less narcotics = increase in appetite = less constipation.

Interesting how that all works, eh?

Nighty night, ya’ll.

 

December 9, 2009

Feeling pretty good right now. Probably the result of a couple of ‘adult drinks’, as Mike calls them (aka: they contain alcohol). For the last 4 -5 months I’ve been pretty energetic, shall we say. I’m always doing something and that drives Mike insane. I’m straightening this, putting that away, fixing this, setting this up – you get the picture. I attribute it to nervous energy or a really great way of ignoring reality. Does it really matter? Mike just wants me to s….l….o….w down.

I can’t. It’s like there’s something in me that’s ticking or moving along and I have to keep up with it. But to what end I have no idea.

My health issues are seemingly normal  so far, I had a diagnostic mammogram today which included an ultrasound of the right breast which proved to be nothing to worry about (can you say ‘age’?), I guess discomfort without a lump is a good thing. I’ll take that diagnosis, no problem. No issues with the left breast either. That just leaves the Pap exam next week. Cross your fingers.

I told Mike that if this all comes out to be related to stress, then I will request something from my doctor to calm me down. Nothing too drastic…but my brain is really, really feeling kooky. I was on an anti-depressant for a few years and then weaned myself off when Mike’s cancer came back in the fall of 2008.  I needed to feel in control. Now I’m feeling out of control again, but not panicky, not with a lot of anxiety, just feeling like if I’m not ‘doing’ something then I can’t calm down. It’s not like I have a ton of thoughts flowing through and about my brain, it’s just – well, I feel unsettled. Therefore, keeping busy in ways that apparently are driving Mike nuts, is my way of trying to settle myself.

One of my good friends, the Soup Dude, is always amazed at how much I’m doing. I knit, I sew (I’m making a lap quilt for my mom who has B-cell lymphoma), I participate in swaps (been to swap-bot DOT com??, much fun!), I maintain a number of blogs, I take care of my husband, I go to school…shoot! It sounds tiring just typing that out.

But I am like my mom, I love her so much – she instilled in me the belief that even if something comes across your plate that is distasteful or stressful or perhaps insurmountable, you do what you have to do to get through it. No real thinking about it, as the Nike slogan states – “Just Do It”. So I guess my being so busy and crazy is my way of getting through or dealing with our reality.

At least the cocktails tell me that tonight.

 

December 6, 2009

Mike slept what seemed to me to be a terribly long time last night. I finally coaxed him out of bed when I got home from the drugstore today around 1:00 pm. Seemed pretty lethargic to me but once he found football on TV he seemed to perk up a bit more. Wasn’t his usual chatty self I’d prefer to see because as I mentioned in a previous post, when he starts sleeping 12 – 14 hours at night I tend to automatically worry.

On the other hand, he has been pushing himself with walking around the house so perhaps he’s simply tired from that.

I’ve decided to not worry about it, I’m not going to ignore it either but I have a ton of homework to do this week to prep for three exams next week, plus I have my own doctor appointments to set up and go to, both of which I hope I can get scheduled this week so I can get them over with and obtain a diagnosis.

Off to read for a bit and then hope for sweet dreams. I had a difficult time falling asleep last night but I think it might be because we’ve changed our habits again. He’s in the bed and I’m on the couch and I wake up to every sound I hear him make. I wonder if this is how new parents must feel – I swear I hear every snort, breath and movement he makes, though we’re about 25 feet apart with a door partially closed in between us.

I bow to you, parents, one and all for keeping your sanity. Or at least appearing to keep your sanity.